Hello lovely! I missed you too! Thank you - I am doing rather well this weekend. I hope that you are doing well and that you’ll have a great week! <3
I’m sorry to hear that you relapsed. That’s always a very frustrating feeling. I once relapsed after 2.5 years, so I can definitely imagine where you’re coming from.
I know that it’s frustrating and I know that it’s disappointing, and I know that we just want to beat ourselves up over it and call ourselves stupid and all of that, but honestly, that won’t make anything better or easier. All that will do is make you feel worse, and negative feelings only lead to the potential of more self-harm.
Instead of beating yourself up over it or feeling disappointed, try to feel proud of yourself. You went without harming for an entire year! That’s a really long time and that must have involved a lot of hard work and dedication, so be proud! :) Admire yourself for a job well done. Sure, it’s over now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again in working toward recovery. You absolutely can. Every second, every minute, every day, every week, and every month of that year is tangible proof that you absolutely CAN do this. Don’t focus so much on that one slip-up. Focus more on the very long time you went without hurting yourself. That is quite an achievement—one that anyone would be proud of. :)
From here, it’s really up to you. Are you going to keep going down the slippery slope of self-destruction, or are you going to say “no” and work toward recovering again? I know that it’s much easier said than done to go down the recovery path, but I also know that you can do it. You’ve proven that you’ve been able to do it before.
It’s better to work toward recovering again as early as possible. Don’t let yourself fall into any patterns with self-harm again. Just pick yourself back up again and keep trying. :) You can go another year and then two years, three, four, five, etc. Just keep trying. We all have little hiccups along the way.
Try to find another behavior which you can turn to instead of self-harm. For example, try writing your feelings out instead. Keep yourself busy and distracted if you feel a self-harm urge coming on. Go for a walk, call a friend, go to the store, go for a drive, do some exercise, watch a movie — whatever. Just try to redirect your focus. Eventually the urge will pass. It always does and it always will.
I really hope that you will feel proud of yourself! I wish you luck with things and hope that you’ll feel better soon. I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk again! Take care. :)
Hey, thanks so much! You’re so sweet. :) I really appreciate the lovely message!
I hope that you had a good Easter and/or Sunday as well, and I hope that you’ll have a great week! Take care. <3
I’m sorry to hear that things have gotten a bit out of control for you lately. What you shared with me is rather worrying, especially considering how young you are.
I know that you said that you’re doing all of these things to try to get over cutting, but I want to ask why you started cutting in the first place. You don’t have to share this with me if you don’t want to, but just try to think back to why you started cutting. The reason behind your cutting is likely the reason behind all of these other new behaviors. Because you didn’t try to work on the reason behind the cutting, all of these new behaviors started. My theory is that if you don’t work on what lies beneath the cutting (or self-destructive behavior) and only work on the behavior (cutting), it won’t exactly go away.
So that’s really the first step: identifying why you do these things. Is it for stress relief? Escapism? Self-punishment? Self-loathing? It’s fine if you have several reasons. Self-destructive behaviors tend to be very complex.
After you’ve identified the reason(s), you can start working on it/them. For example, if you’re self-loathing, you need to work on building your confidence. If you do it as stress relief, you need to find a new behavior that can replace cutting.
After you’ve started working on the reason(s) behind all of your self-destruction, you can work on the behaviors themselves (the cutting, casual sex, drugs, drinking, etc.).
Instead of engaging in these behaviors, find a new behavior or set of behaviors that you can try instead. A lot of people turn to things like writing, painting, exercising, volunteer work, and so on. Find something that works for you and can serve as an emotional outlet for your negative emotions and stress/tension. The more you turn to these behaviors (rather than the self-destructive ones), the more they will eventually replace the self-destructive ones.
I know that none of this is easy. I’ve gone through self-harm and self-destruction in many forms before, and I still deal with it on a regular basis. Recovery isn’t easy, but I hope that you see that it’s worth it.
I’m not saying that you absolutely need to cut down on ALL of these behaviors. I mean, I do think that you’re a bit young to be drinking and doing drugs (since younger brains are more at risk to these sorts of things), but I also don’t think that it’s necessarily “bad” to occasionally indulge in substances…as long as you have it under control, aren’t addicted, and don’t let them run your life. Again, though, you are rather young, so I definitely don’t recommend doing these things. As for the sex—everyone is ‘ready’ at different times, so I won’t pass any judgments. All I want to say is that I hope that you use protection. I really do.
Just try to remember that you are in control and that you do have power. I know that it probably feels like you’re out of control and like these behaviors are running you (rather than you are running them), but try to feel powerful instead of powerless. If you convince yourself that you’re weak and that you MUST succumb to these behaviors, then you will just keep succumbing to them. However, if you let yourself feel powerful, you will see that you do have a choice. You CAN say “no,” and you don’t HAVE to engage in these behaviors.
I know that all of this is hard. It’s hard to get out of habits, and it’s hard to want to recover, but I hope that you can see that it’d be worth it and that you’d deserve it.
I know that you don’t want to tell your parents, but do you have anyone else you could talk to? A friend, a teacher, a counselor at school? If so, I would really recommend finding someone to confide in. Having a good support system always really helps.
I wish you luck with things. I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk again. Take care! :)
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing so much anxiety and paranoia lately. It’s always unpleasant, and I’ve gone through similar things before, so I think I can understand where you’re coming from.
It’s good that you’re self-aware. The fact that you can see that you’re being paranoid and anxious means that you’re still grounded in reality, which is obviously a very good thing. You may have some mild delusions right now (about the fire alarm/camera thing), but at least you can still see that you’re being paranoid. It’ll be easier for you to try to fix these things since you are still grounded in reality and self-awareness.
If it would make you feel more comfortable, you could try something simple like covering the device up or talking to your dad about it. That wouldn’t really solve your paranoia problems, though — it would merely cover them up. However, if it would provide relief, then it might be a good place to start. Still, it’s merely a band-aid on top of your paranoia and anxiety problems. It wouldn’t make them go away, but it would just possibly make you feel a bit better temporarily.
The paranoia is likely linked to the anxiety. Maybe your anxiety has gotten worse, or maybe it has just changed for whatever reason. I can’t say anything for sure, and it’s always hard to determine these things for certain since a lot of it is on a very biological level (body chemistry and all of that).
Have you experienced more stress than usual lately? Has anything particularly bad happened to you in life lately? If so, this could be causing the paranoia/worsened anxiety. When we experience a lot of stress (or trauma), pretty much everything in our bodies and minds goes a bit haywire. If you have problems like anxiety to begin with, they tend to get worse when we experience a lot of life stress. Just try to think back to when this paranoia started. Were you going through a tough time? Are you still going through a tough time?
If you haven’t already done this, I would recommend considering talking to someone about this, whether it’s a friend, a parent, a family member, someone at school, or a professional. Maybe you could try some anti-anxiety medication or something if you would like to try that route. I’m not saying that you “have” to or anything, but it sounds like this is really negatively affecting the quality of your life, and it deserves to be addressed.
For the time being, I would recommend trying to keep yourself busy. Remind yourself that it’s just a fire alarm. Consciously tell yourself that you are being paranoid and overreacting. Try to keep your mind busy and active and focused on other things. If you start to feel the anxiety and the paranoia getting worse, remove yourself from the environment and go do something relaxing or something that will clear your head (like going for a walk, for example). Just try not to focus on the fire alarm or your paranoia. The more you focus on it and ruminate over it, the worse it will become.
I wish you luck with whatever you end up doing and hope that you’ll feel better soon! I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk about anything again. Take care. :)
Yep! I did. :) I’ll respond to it soon. I haven’t had very much time this weekend to actually sit down and respond to the messages I have. I always like to do it when I’m in the right frame of mind and when I have a decent amount of time because I never want to rush my responses to anyone because I feel that everyone deserves a thorough answer. I apologize for being perhaps a bit slow, but I will get to it soon!
Sorry. :/ I don’t have as much time as I used to, and I haven’t been receiving as many messages as I used to, so I haven’t checked back quite as much.
I hope that you’re doing okay. If you’d ever like to chat at all, please feel free to write to me and I’ll get back to you when I’m back on. :)
Take care. <3
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the compliment. You seem like a rather lovely person yourself! I hope that you’re doing well and having a good week. If you’d ever like to talk about anything at all, I’m always here! <3
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through.
Ultimately, when faced with a difficult decision such as this one, it’s best to do a couple of things. First, I’d recommend making a pros and cons list. What are the pros of staying at the job and what are the cons of staying at the job? What are the pros of quitting the job and what are the cons of quitting the job? Try to figure out which choices seems to logically be the better one.
Secondly, you need to think about yourself. In a broad sense, what would make you feel happier? What is it that you ought to do for yourself? You have to keep yourself and your health/well-being in mind first and foremost.
Maybe you could keep the job for a little while and keep saving up so you can move somewhere else or try something new. It’s best to have a back-up plan, and I really wouldn’t recommend quitting without anything in mind. That would just make you feel more overwhelmed and stressed. Try to find something that you’d like to do. You can move, you can go somewhere else—you just have to plan for it. You also can get a new job elsewhere in town. You just have to start looking. It’s best to look before you quit and have some sort of idea of what’s next.
It sounds like this job is taking a toll on you. I totally understand how that goes. However, I really would recommend trying to figure out something to do afterward. It’s always best to have a plan, even if it’s very vague and loose. Plans are always subject to change, of course, but I just find that it’s best to have a back-up in mind to avoid further stress.
Do what you need to do. Make this decision for yourself. It’ll be scary and difficult, I’m sure, but change is good sometimes, and while this job is all you have, as you say, there’s much more to you than the job. There’s more to your identity than this job. Don’t be afraid to quit it just because it’s familiar. Push on forward and find something new that suits you better.
The decision is yours, and I wish you luck with making it and executing it! I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk again. Take care. :)
Thank you. You seem sweet too! I’m glad that this blog gives you hope that you’re not alone. Even when you feel like you are alone, you aren’t ever completely alone. There’s always someone out there who cares, and there’s always someone out there who’s going through something similar or has gone through something similar in the past. It’s comforting to know that you’re not the only person struggling.
I’m glad that you haven’t self-harmed anymore and that you don’t have the desire to! That’s really fantastic, and I really admire you for that. I certainly hope that you’re proud of yourself! It’s not an easy thing to do. :)
I’ve made posts on scar removal before. Here’s one—I hope that it’ll be of help. Most scar removal processes are rather slow, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t see immediate results. Some scars will never completely fade either, but they can certainly fade significantly. :) Don’t be frustrated by your scars, and don’t let them trigger you. Yes, they are there, and it’s okay to have some regrets about them, but try not to think about it too much. The more negatively you feel, the more likely you might be to relapse again. If you don’t like your scars, then why would you want to create new ones? Be proud of yourself. Be proud of the hard work you’ve done, for how far you’ve come, and for how much you’ve gone through. You’re a strong person. You don’t have to cut again. Things may be rough sometimes and the urge may resurface every now and again, but you don’t have to give in to it. Try to feel powerful and in control…because you are. Every day you’ve gone without cutting is proof that you absolutely CAN do this and that you can keep doing it.
I’m sorry that school isn’t easy for you. It’s a hard time for everyone in some sense. Try to find positives in school: clubs you like, people you like, a class you enjoy, etc. There has to be something there for you. If not, then just push through it and have fun things waiting for you in the evenings after school. That way, you’ll have something to motivate you to get through the day. Thankfully, school is temporary. You don’t have to be there forever. I know that it seems like a long time, but it’s really not, and it’ll go by even faster if you find some clubs, hobbies, people, etc. who make it better for you.
It sounds like you just need a boost somewhere. Try something new, find a new club, get a new hobby, meet some new people—just try to keep yourself busy and keep yourself doing things and trying new things. Have some fun. Do something enjoyable for yourself each day. Set some goals, reach them, and be proud of yourself for reaching them. :)
I hope that you’ll feel better soon! I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk again. Take care!
Thanks very much! I hope that you’re having a good day too! :)
I started this blog nearly a year ago (May 2010, I think). I took a break for a few months recently, so I haven’t gone for a continuous year, but it’s been pretty close!
I hope that you’re doing well! I’m always here. :) <3
Part 2/4—I will respond on part 4. :)
Hey. =) Thank you - I am glad to be back too!
I don’t think that you should just stop talking to people. I know that, when things go poorly, one of the knee-jerk reactions is to just quit talking to people altogether, but that rarely makes us happy. Yes, friendships and relationships are difficult, and yes, people get into fights and conflict, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world or the end of the friendships. You can still talk to people even if after fighting with them.
I would really recommend talking to the girl who was trying to apologize. You seem to be feeling a lot of guilt about it, which means that you are a really good person. You just were caught up in the moment and made a false assumption. It happens to the best of us, and I’m sure that she’d understand if you’d explain it to her. You could apologize for your assumption and I’m sure that things would be mended pretty easily. I know that it’s hard to do these things and you might be afraid, but it’ll become harder the longer you put it off. Just walk up to her one day and talk about it. I’m sure that she’ll understand and it’ll all be okay, and then you’ll feel less overwhelmed because that’ll be one problem out of the way. =)
As for the other girl, the one who was kind of rude to you and you’re mad to see, it’s up to you what you want to do. Do you want to have a friendship with her? If so, you might want to work toward fixing that friendship. However, if you’re actually not very interested, then you don’t really need to do anything. What happened wasn’t your fault, and if she’s unwilling to apologize or anything, then that’s pretty much on her and that’s her problem. Eventually this will be easier to accept and deal with. I know that it’s hard and frustrating right now, but these kinds of things have a way of blowing over and working themselves out. It’ll matter to you less as time goes on. If you do want to resolve things, though, then you might have to initiate it if she’s stubborn, which admittedly isn’t fair since you were the one who got burned, but sometimes we have to step up if other people won’t. If she’s unwilling or rude to you, then you might want to reconsider and just forget about her. Sometimes friendships end. We all change. It’s okay.
As for your best friend, I’m sorry that she said those things to you. It sounds like she was being pretty unfair. I don’t know what your dad did to you, but I assume that it was bad and rather life-altering for you, and I can understand why you have a lack of trust. A lot of people have a hard time with trust. It’s scary to trust other people. I definitely understand that. However, sometimes you just have to let go and take a chance on people. Sometimes you’ll get burned, sometimes you won’t. There aren’t really any guarantees in life, and you just have to accept that.
I would hope that your best friend will apologize to you if she hasn’t already. :/ It’s not really her business what you do and whom you trust. I hope that she’ll apologize to you. There’s not much you can really do in this situation unless you want to initiate the resolution.
I wish you luck with things and hope that you’ll feel better soon. I’m always here if you’d ever like to talk about anything again! Take care. :)
Part 3/4—I will respond on part 4. :)
Part 1/4—I will respond on part 4. :)